If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
