opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize