So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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