I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
