as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
