I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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