You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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