I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
