We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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