You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
