I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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