What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
