dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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