I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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