Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sorry my hands just texted you
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
