I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
