glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think your dad took our porno
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize