Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm too high and old for this...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
