there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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