I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
