so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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