just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
