this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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