a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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