I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
