i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
