Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
