I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
