Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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