Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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