I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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