My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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