I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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