after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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