just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
