just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
