he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
