i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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