Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
