I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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