Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
