Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
