Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
