Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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