Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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