At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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