Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
