New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
