Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
