She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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