i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize