i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
