he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
