you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
