I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
