she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
