I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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