I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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